Rickie Fowler & Bubba Watson

Bubba in action with the PINK shaft

Rickie smoking one in OSU orange

Look at those beautiful Titleist 710 MB Forged Blades!

These are great golfers on the PGA Tour that I can support! They are solid Christian guys & a good example for my son.

Not to knock tiger, but my son lost interest in golf for a while because he couldn't understand the way tiger had behaved. I spent numerous times just explaining that yes tiger was wrong, but he is just a regular guy.

Rickie is just 21 but is quite mature --- also Bubba is a cool guy who is a Christian as well --- they are living their faith out in public very well.

It doesn't hurt that Rickie also plays the same Titleist 710 MB irons that I do. I love those irons man! Just a thing of beauty --- extra stiff KBS shafts --- shiny blades that just glisten when I knock that ball 155 yards with the Pitching wedge --- just a crisp "woosh" in the 6 am grass. Makes my heart feel young again.

So anyway --- I like watching these guys & so does my 10 year old son --- he is in the jr PGA for western NY & loves golf. Someone asked him yesterday what he was going to be when he grew up --- a professional golfer he said without even pausing!

I just need him to get a deal with Titleist so I can get some free irons :-)

The Couple From ...

I have not posted for a long time.

I have since resigned the church & felt very dead inside --- too lost to write anything.

There was a family in the church that without even hesitating - was the most demonic / manipulative / money focused / greedy / massively dysfunctional / controlling / self centered / deceptive / shallow couple I have EVER met in my entire life. Plus the things that they have said to me are unbelievably mean. There were SO MANY THINGS THAT I COULD NOT TELL THE CHURCH ABOUT THEM THAT WOULD BLOW THEIR MINDS.

These people are like ... German concentration camp mean. When I was in Israel watching a documentary on the holocost recently they had many interviews with some of the guards & nazis. I truly swear to you that some of the things they said & the way they said them were like this couple. Domination / elimination / superiority / even torture --- it was haunting how similar this couple is in their psychological state to Nazi germany. Needless to say --- they are the main reason we are no longer at the church.

They absolutely 100% stole & sucked the life out of me for 3-4 years - I feel like I have aged 10 years in 3. They are so fake & shallow, but have the "show" or the "game" down. They can snake their way into any situation with a few slaps on the back & a bunch of compliments.

People are instantly impressed. But I know what they are really like & that has been misery.

They are so money centered & are very arrogant about their stable money situation. They are worth probably a $1,000,000 dollars with money & their paid off house. Yes, I know absolutely for SURE they have a million dollars because in 1990 the wife inherited over $250,000 & they have just sat on it in mutual funds through the tech boom etc. & now they have $700,000 - $800,000 cash plus the house.

They won't go to mcdonalds for a dollar hamburger with everyone --- actually --- check that --- they say, "we'll just sit their with you - we don't need to spend the money" How awkward is that when everyone is eating, & they are just sitting there with nothing - kids included. The wife's time & milage are constantly calculated & calibrated to review her gas output for the week --- and chided if she drove too much. Enough of that --- but it is difficult to be with someone SO greedy & money centered.

They made their way into the leadership & began to systematically destroy the church with their ideas & opinions. To be honest I am not sure they are even saved. They show no signs of a spiritual life & neither could even tell you basic spiritual principles. They are so thorough in their game that they spend their time trying to find ways to "say this next time you see them ok" or "I'll just cover for you & tell them that you really like that person or the Bible study".

The hard part is that I saw all of this from almost day one, but believed that God brought them to me to help them discover their true self in Jesus. They have NEVER had a friend either. NEVER --- in 45 years! No one wants to be with them -- they are relationship killers. They are SO over the top self centered that no one can exist in that world except them. The funny thing is that they don't even like each other! The just stay together because he like her money & she would feel that God would kill her if she got a divorce.

I spent many, many (as in hundreds & hundreds) of hours in conversation about faith & marriage & life --- come to find out that all it was, was an "information gathering" time so they could precisely determine their strategy for the next conversation.

I have talked to literally 20-30 people here & there (mostly at his work) about the husband & they all say the same things that I am saying. He is a sneaky, manipulating snake of a guy who would sell his soul for power & control. The kind of guy who you swear is on your side before a meeting & when you get into it he has already been talking to the supervisor to negotiate a better deal for himself & the other guy is screwed. He only cares about self preservation --- and quite honestly both their families are over the top dysfunctional in that same way. Both husband & wife's families have very serious mental illness throughout the family tree. A lot of obsessive compulsive / depression / anger / relationship issues. But, I thought there could be some change & healing at the church.

WRONG

Anyway --- I am having a hard time with leaving the church, but it was time. It could no longer go on the way it was. It didn't need to be this way that is for sure

SO --- why the outpouring of junk? Because I have learned a number of very valuable lessons. Lessons that were downright painful.

The many horrible things that they said to me I will NEVER forget --- they were that caustic & destructive.

Let me clarify the obvious, that is why I am taking some time off, to let this bitterness subside.

God is there ...

Thursday, June 24, 2010

God is there ...

It seems as a person matures - they also regress along the way. There is a fatality to the regression in that as you move from a life of falsity to truth, you have this fall back time. You have worked so hard & then you just can't do anymore hard work - you stop for a while. I hate that time - that time of catching your wind.

During that time is when Satan attacks most I believe. I draw this conclusion from the Old Testament. It seems there were these lull times in the history of the Israelites - if you notice, that is when much of the sinning is done. They have pushed hard & made huge progress in the will & work of Yahweh - then they screw the pooch by doing the very behaviors that Yahweh sent them into the land to destroy. A great irony.

The lull is the time to be on guard - not necessarily during the war. The lull is the time we feel secure, sheltered & invincible. Satan is no imbecile - he is just waiting for the moment during the victory party to attack. I wish I had more strength sometimes to last during the whole of my life. No more lulls in my heart.

I want God to be there in those times - the times that I have secured his holiness & will. But I also yearn for the protection of His mighty stopping power so that I don't roll back down the hill. I want to be different than the Israelites in that when I take the hill - I don't slide back down into the sludge of previous destruction. The sludge of the refuse of sin.

Like in Jerusalem where they have the Gi-Hennom --- or Gi-Henna --- Gi meaning valley --- Hinnom is just the name of the valley. But it was where the sacrificial dross was deposited after the religious occasion. In other words, the carcasses of the sacrifices were thrown over the edge into this valley. The valley was a garbage dump/pit that was on fire 24 hours a day. They also used it certain times in history for the muslim or other religions that conquered Jerusalem for a child sacrifice dump. Needless to say - the place was considered unclean & unholy.

I don't want to descend into the gihenna or hell of my previous victories.

Tiger Talks

In about 30 minutes Tiger Woods will talk --- after months of silence.

The truth is - who cares - Tiger does not owe me anything.

He doesn't owe me an explanation - he doesn't owe anyone an explanation. He is not a role model for me in my lifestyle choices nor should he be for anybody.

If I hear one more person say Tiger needs to answer questions & gives reasons for what he has done I am going to explode.

This is my thing with facebook --- I sort of made fun of it in a message & I got some feedback from people who love it. I have been asked easily 50 times why I don't have a facebook page. The day I announce to the world what I am doing - my status - when I use the bathroom etc. --- that is the day that I officially label myself profoundly shallow. Facebook is the ultimate nosey / voyeur paradise.

This is why everyone wants to know about everything in everyone's life.

This all keeps people from addressing the "Tiger" inside themselves

So ... Tiger

I have not entered anything in such a long time.

To be honest, I became very uncomfortable with people reading my blog --- ie. my thoughts/feelings etc.

Like Tiger, I have been accused of being a very private person.

That is why I fully understand the mindset Tiger feels - minus the 12 girlfriends.

For me, I limit my sins to guitars & golf clubs.

I am somewhat self-conscious about the fact that I was truly depressed about the golfer that I admired more than I am willing to admit. I had his irons (2 sets) /driver / tiger headcover --- ad nauseam. I like to think (delusional) I have a very miniscule resemblance of Tiger's game. Hard swinging - long driving - high, fast spinning approaches --- spotty putting.

Mostly I liked his toughness ---

---- but it turns out he is weak like me.

It is these gaps in my own life that scare me most - the way I don't love my wife enough - I am too hard on Jack & Natalie sometimes - I get frustrated & quite angry too easily --- I should be 50 lbs lighter ... and 100 other issues.

Weakness is a curious flaw --- for me it is not a cognitive imperfection - I know WHAT to do - I just have lost my drive. How does a person lose their drive? Exactly, where & when did Tiger lose supremacy over the self?

Where does it start? --- life slowly extracts & siphons the stamina & dynamism from what was a powerful discipline inside. At least that is what happens to me.

How does one recapture that avidity?

I am not sure --- But I know it is not derived from 12 deplorable women who are pure vomit on the innocent wife & children.

BUT MOSTLY --- it is the fault of a selfish, infantile, egomaniac.

What scares me is that Tiger is inside of me too ...

Emotion

I sometimes wish I didn't feel certain things so deeply.  Sounds like the beginning to totally loser girl movie --- at least not male anyway.  The last 10 days have been very heavy for a number of reasons & I feel like I have just run 20 miles.  

On TV I saw & was reminded of the prodigious effort that Tiger Woods accomplished last year at the U.S. Open.  Blown out knee & pain unparalleled he moved through the regular golf weekend --- then a playoff of 18 holes --- then one or two more to make the playoff exciting.  

The exhaustion must have been staggering ...

How does one move through that emotion?

Not the physical --- but the emotional

Tiger shut down his emotions ... & won

The very act of numbing emotions is both God created to prevent shock while at the same time intensely dysfunctional.  I ask God about this during my honest prayer times.  I see all these people who are emotionally shut down & therefore successful.  The more I open my heart the more I am in pain about day to day issues.  It seems to slow me down?

In the Bible we have many people that have encountered the pain of emotional depth & responsiveness

It is a complicated topic that I will have to think about more & continue this later ... 

Florida Beach Girl

Ali is a water/beach girl --- she loves swimming & the beach --- we had a great time in Florida & it is a blessing to see the kids running around having fun

Christmas In Manhattan

My favorite things ... Melissa - Jack - Natalie & New York City 

... it is a curious thing for me that this is the one place I always feel totally relaxed & can shut down my mind for a while

--- we went to manhattan for a family Christmas --- skated in rockefeller center / skated in central park / Radio City Music Hall Christmas Show / walked all over through the Christmas displays --- time square & 5th ave were beautiful as always --- the kids were going window to window at macy's ... honestly --- just a nice time to be in the city

Natalie / Jack & I at Wollman Rink in Central Park

Rockefeller Rink

Natalie & I "Ice Dancing" as she called it :-)

Rockefeller Center Christmas

I am very fortunate as a husband & father

Reading ...

right now I am reading about 4 books ... you know how it is --- you keep picking them up & starting new ones ...

I am reading --- 

The Wisdom of Tenderness (brennan manning)

Team of Rivals:The Political Genius of Abraham Lincoln (doris kearns goodwin)

The Audacity of Hope (barack obama)

The Only Necessary Thing:Living A Prayerful Life (henri nouwen)

what a mix ... 

AWANA

our church has a kids program that changes the lives of children - they memorize scripture - have a teaching time & play games.  They even earn awana dollars.  It teaches them responsibility, morality, love, discipline & even money management.

awana stands for "approved workers are not ashamed" taken from the book of timothy in the Bible.  

I walked around throughout the church last night at awana & was blessed to hear all the verses being memorized & learned.  God is at work in their little minds & hearts - shaping them to be the people God wants them to be.

I have preached some pointed sermons in my five years here - as well written some heavy thoughts in this blog.

I am not ashamed of the things I have said for the most part - the goal of every believer is to be an approved worker who is not ashamed.  

WITH THE CAVEAT - an un-examined life is subject to a lack of self-awareness

I work at both so as to not be ashamed

Church Woes

sometimes church is fantastic  ... sometimes it goes all kaboodle. This morning the sound system was very sinful. 

The best part of the morning was the baptism.  A couple & their daughter were baptized & it was a tremendous privilege & blessing for me to be a part of it.  

The problem was that the sound system was going assiduously mental.  

I was about losing my mind ... my talk seemed awful - even melissa said that. I was so distracted by the fact that I couldn't get to the sound system, I never really seemed to find a groove.  Our rehearsal was brutal as well - we only really did a few songs.  

I ask God sometimes - why this morning? - why not a "non-baptism" sunday?

One of the things that I have to persist in understanding is that God has a plan - I sat at the front praying & just said sorry to the Lord if I had not wrapped the service in enough prayer. 

In a raw kind of way - church is somewhat like being in a concert or play or sport ... a person can spend the rest of the day thinking through the blips in the program. 

For me ... there is a fine line between analyzing & healthy contemplation. Either way - I will be making sure the sound system is superlative next week. 

Opening the Window ...

I just received an e-mail from someone who struggled with my talk on Sunday. She opened up the window of her heart to share with me her frustration & how she is working through it. I appreciated that - even though it is hard to hear that people do not like some of your efforts ...

In life I have noticed that it is important to keep the window open so the stink can air out!
For me ... I have to do that in so many ways ---> spiritually / in marriage / in parenting / in friendships etc.

I have found that saying "I'm sorry" is the best way to open the window & let the stink out. Satan is the king of stink ... he is the author & creator of it ... it is the downfall of many a relationship & church!

I am opening the window to my heart by allowing this blog to be published on the church web page ... that was never the intention.

This was going to be my private place for thoughts & feelings. A closed room to work through the intricacies & hardships of life --- not anymore --- the window is open

Theology, Change & Grace ... Experience

I was talking to a Pastor friend of mine about theology ... he is vehemently non-negotiable about women being in leadership in the church. It is very important to him & he believes women are to be in a support role. A seemingly conservative position ... but he smokes Cuban cigars & goes to Bob Dylan concerts ... who knew.

He says women cannot be leaders of men or preach. To be straight - this guy is a great guy --- he treats his wife like gold & is a person I respect & would work in ministry with anytime!

How do we get so hard on an issue so that we don't even consider that we may be wrong?

Here it is - many times it is insecurity
... it would appear that our self-esteem is based on ourselves - NOT THE MIND OF CHRIST ... most of the conflict in the church may be related to SELF ---> the enemy of Jesus.

Sociologically we are a species that panic & fear change & even combat the new! The unknown is the least favorite place of many or most of humanity.

My family & I love New York City & go 4-6 times a year ... YET, there are many people in my church who have lived this close & never EVER been there in 50 years or even 80 years of residence here!

As my son Jackie says ... "what the?" ... Why?

Natalie says "don't they know how fun it is in Central Park & how good the food is?"

I ask the church people & they say ... "because they don't know how"

They do not know how to negotiate the experience associated with a big unknown. It seems to all comes down to a couple of things ...

1. is there someone who can help you get through the experience to make it a thrill vs. a kill!

2. are you open to admit you HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO

In my humble view ... Humility is the key to the manifestation of personal growth & happiness. People are grouchy because they are dissatisfied with their present life appointment. Apparently, one must move to a place of asking for help in a situation if there is to be change & joy in life.

SO ... anyway ... changing theology requires grace & a soft heart. I have come to realize that almost all of the things that I thought were concrete were actually ---> Fluid. Moveable. Traversable. Like walking on water with Jesus ... seemingly impossible.

Consider this ...

If there were drowning people in the lake & only men were permitted to be lifeguards what would happen? When it was all said & done would Jesus TRULY be gratified & content with those who said "yes Jesus, we could have got more out of the water to escape death - BUT we didn't use any women lifeguards just like you said"

OR ... are we just plain old in need of lifesavers ...?

Money ...

I watch all the stuff on TV about people losing their homes etc. --- for me ... I work at a church - Melissa stays at home & helps me with church (volunteer) & we don't have much money. I never went into the church to make money anyway - so, it seems that we are somewhat unaffected by the financial collision. When you don't have much to lose -- it seems you have nothing to brood & agonize over. 

My measly retirement fund has lost around $500 bucks ... that's because it has very little substance in it.  

I will probably work in church until I die because I love serving God --- but also because a person cannot retire on the $100 month my church gives me for my retirement fund.  It is not the church's fault --- I love them & I think they appreciate my work & love for them. 

That is just church ... anyone who expects to "make" money in ministry is nefarious & double-dealing in the world & matters of faith 

... as dirty as I feel --- I get jealous sometimes of these pastors who make $70-$100K & don't work as hard as Melissa & I do. We work our pew pads off ... but so do a lot of others in our church who do not get pay!

I have always said that a Pastor can only make as much as the lowest paid person deciding on the pastoral salary ... after that it is too much 

I never like to talk about my personal educational backgound because I think it is bourgeois & represents an infantile egomaniac personality ... yet I will recite the following ... I have B.A. in Religion / Master's in Divinity/ Master's in Marriage & Family Therapy (M.A. in Counseling)/ I have started Doctoral classes as well ... 

I only state this because many churches demand high educational standards & yet they consider the Pastorate to be an organic calling that is semi-volunteer ... 

If you go into the Lord's work looking for "what you deserve" 

--- let me assure you --- you will get it!

I got to pray with & lead another person to Jesus tonight ... I am baptizing her sunday --- no pay can substitute for that ... so anyway --> my retirement is in the pooper

 

--- but one more person is not going to hell ---

- what a palatial & lavish gift God allows me to observe & participate in ...

><> praise God!

Winter ...

We got our first light snow tonight ... Personally, I would rather live in a non-snow climate.  It is funny ... you can see it in the eyes of people - they know winter is coming.  A long trudge through extreme cold, as well as the fact that a bleak weather pattern is not a daily issue ---> but a 5 month strain on the psyche.  

I am one of those people who is affected by weather - we were in the Hallmark store the other day getting one of those goofy webkinz for the kids & I saw some mood rings --- I thought --- I should get one of those.  

Life moves on ...

We were at Niagara Falls yesterday - I used to play here when I was young - yes - we actually dove & swam off one of the inlets ... it was fun to be caught up in the current - it wasn't dangerous really - just adventurous.  I am 40 this year ... I can't believe life has moved along so fast.  Melissa & I have been married for 18 years & have been together for 22 years.  

Our kids are the joy of our existence - it is our desire to spiritually mentor them into Godly people for Jesus. 

My own parents basically split up when I was Jackie's age. The realization of that, coupled with the loss of my dad to Leukemia has pounded me pretty good in the last few years.  

I guess I thought I might hear him say he loved me even once before he died.  It is funny how the passage of time has not really healed that damage.  

Rewind 35 years ago ... prior to my dad leaving I was always thrilled to be with him & was wanting to be like him & near him all the time - then he was gone. My Dad disclosed this to me a year or more before he left & told me he was going to leave my mom & us - BUT ... he told me not to tell my mom.  I was 7 or 8.  I walked around with that in my heart for over a year & never spoke of it once.  I will never forget laying in my bed that night & my dad got home late.  He came into my room & laid on the bed & we talked about it.  I died that night.  My heart shut down & I rarely trust anyone still to this day.

I know Melissa wonders about me sometimes - where does some of my inner warfare come from & why do I sometimes just wake up mad?  Not upset or pissed off or violent - just ... whatever?  I have no answer except for this --- when you are a young boy & your dad goes away, a part of you dies inside.  At least I did.  It is a death that is indescribable.  If I were to be totally undisguised,  when I think too long about it I get emotionally disoriented.

For those of you who don't know me - I sound like a nut-job.  To the untrained eye, none of this information is super-obvious.  Tonight, I have just said more about this than I ever have before in my life.  I guess I just felt like writing.  I can't sleep - it is 2:30 am ... 

Life moves on ... Even though I had no example ... I think I am a good dad ... I tell my kids I love them all the time throughout the day.  I tell them at least 3 good things about their personality each day.  It is innumerable how often I pray that God would fill in the gaps where my dad skills are mislaid.  

Life moves on ... as I stood in a place that I hadn't been for 30 years my stomach went sick inside ... that is why I hate going back to where I grew up - I have very few non-nauseating feelings when I enter Ontario.  

In the Bible in Corinthians it talks about having the message of Jesus in "Jars of Clay" ... though we are broken & fragile we are used & loved by Jesus.

I am thankful that 35 years ago God looked down on a young boy & had mercy ...

Life moves on ... I will always be there for my boy & my beautiful little princess

change ... motivation

If I told some guy that he had to kiss & hug his wife & tell her he loved her every day for a year - then he would get $100,000 - he would do it ... but we don't do the things that we want to do - unless there is some motivation ... 

for me - I have enough issues to choose from but let's just pick weight ... you know ... to complete the over-disclosure that I so willingly discharge on all who will participate ... anyhooo ... if I knew I would get $100,000 in december if I lost 30 pounds I would do it ... why can't I do it for the wife & kids I adore ... my contention is that it is a amalgamation  of fallen decrepit bodies & spiritual issues - the synthesis of a nefarious body / intellect / spirit - with pride as the icing on top, this makes for a deadly composite ... I am always drawn to Romans 7 in the Bible when we read about the body & the spirit at war ... so - as always ... another in progress sanctification issue

found ball ... Jack Nicklaus

I found a ball golfing the other day ... I just happened to look over in a patch of grass ... I was having a discouraging day - here I find this Titleist ball with a quote imprinted on the side from my favorite golfer Jack Nicklaus -- 

"Focus on remedies, not faults" 

... God speaks to me in the most unorthodox  & yet supernatural ways ... 

I've been thinking ...

I spent time a couple weeks ago with my friend joe (see above) ... we went to NYC for 5 days - I was in one my favorite places in the whole world, with one of the best friends I have ever had - with my capable wife at home, loving our kids perfectly - and yet I couldn't relax -  I asked joe ... "level with me - what do I need to change in my personality & life?"

... he knows I meant it ... with very little need for contemplation he said "you need to let down more" ... "you need to turn off sometimes"

BIG PROBLEM ... 

... my mind never shuts down - I am always thinking through something - always figuring out an issue or a situation ...

what the heck?

I have maybe 3-4 people that I call close friends ... they all tell me I am wound too tight ... 

I don't even know what that looks like or what that means ... honestly

... all of these 3-4 friends are the kind of people who do not hold back their opinion if I ask - I have always wanted 100% honest people grinding me to make me a better man/husband/dad ... they do ... they are all different - the scotsman is the most raw & cut to the point / the Italian is polite, but all business / one is a plain old straight shooting american redneck, his motto  - "if it smells like it, it probably is" ... anyway - they keep me authentic

so ... I feel tired all the time & yet I am in basically perfect health except for being "fluffy" in the middle as the kids say ... doctor says I am 100% perfect health ... cholesterol 150 / blood pressure 108/68 / blood sugar 90 / pulse 70 / I take vitamins everyday / omega 3 / vitamin B / 81mg aspirin ... get the point? ... but I am always tired ... I can have a 3 hr nap anytime day or night (no it's not sleep apnea) ... the origin of this issue is not physical in it's genesis ... that is the corollary ... it is mental/intellectual

... all I can muster is that I think ... way too much ... about everything ... all the freakin' time ... I could give you 100 things that I am incessantly thinking about ... seriously, I could ... actually ... really more like 400 (now that I think about it)

... the essence is that I better change this issue before I infect my kids with this trauma ... 

... 2 songs that are, for me, like balm on this distress are chasing cars by snow patrol & how to save a life by the fray ... the line in the chasing cars song says ... "would you lie with me & just forget the world" ... wouldn't that be nice

... enough said ... I am working on it ... 

name change suggestion ... love dana

ok ... so our neighbor down the road thinks my blog name sounds like a loser ... I would say something sassy but I like dana - and she makes the best stinkin' Italian food around ... so that always kinda puts a damper on making fun of someone when you like them - the best I could do is call her an "Italian something or other" ... because like all Italians you get an answer when you don't even ask a question :-)

BUT calling her that won't work ... a few of my best, most loyal friends are Italian & I love Italian food so that is out as well ... I have lost my edge ... she is right - I am a loser

... I used to be so good at calling people names & hurting feelings ... 

... could it be?? ... am I growing up? ... am I maturing? ...

NAH ... I just turned 40 ... I just can't think of anything fast enough anymore ...

(I am keeping the name dana ... you - you ... Italian!)