Life moves on ...

We were at Niagara Falls yesterday - I used to play here when I was young - yes - we actually dove & swam off one of the inlets ... it was fun to be caught up in the current - it wasn't dangerous really - just adventurous.  I am 40 this year ... I can't believe life has moved along so fast.  Melissa & I have been married for 18 years & have been together for 22 years.  

Our kids are the joy of our existence - it is our desire to spiritually mentor them into Godly people for Jesus. 

My own parents basically split up when I was Jackie's age. The realization of that, coupled with the loss of my dad to Leukemia has pounded me pretty good in the last few years.  

I guess I thought I might hear him say he loved me even once before he died.  It is funny how the passage of time has not really healed that damage.  

Rewind 35 years ago ... prior to my dad leaving I was always thrilled to be with him & was wanting to be like him & near him all the time - then he was gone. My Dad disclosed this to me a year or more before he left & told me he was going to leave my mom & us - BUT ... he told me not to tell my mom.  I was 7 or 8.  I walked around with that in my heart for over a year & never spoke of it once.  I will never forget laying in my bed that night & my dad got home late.  He came into my room & laid on the bed & we talked about it.  I died that night.  My heart shut down & I rarely trust anyone still to this day.

I know Melissa wonders about me sometimes - where does some of my inner warfare come from & why do I sometimes just wake up mad?  Not upset or pissed off or violent - just ... whatever?  I have no answer except for this --- when you are a young boy & your dad goes away, a part of you dies inside.  At least I did.  It is a death that is indescribable.  If I were to be totally undisguised,  when I think too long about it I get emotionally disoriented.

For those of you who don't know me - I sound like a nut-job.  To the untrained eye, none of this information is super-obvious.  Tonight, I have just said more about this than I ever have before in my life.  I guess I just felt like writing.  I can't sleep - it is 2:30 am ... 

Life moves on ... Even though I had no example ... I think I am a good dad ... I tell my kids I love them all the time throughout the day.  I tell them at least 3 good things about their personality each day.  It is innumerable how often I pray that God would fill in the gaps where my dad skills are mislaid.  

Life moves on ... as I stood in a place that I hadn't been for 30 years my stomach went sick inside ... that is why I hate going back to where I grew up - I have very few non-nauseating feelings when I enter Ontario.  

In the Bible in Corinthians it talks about having the message of Jesus in "Jars of Clay" ... though we are broken & fragile we are used & loved by Jesus.

I am thankful that 35 years ago God looked down on a young boy & had mercy ...

Life moves on ... I will always be there for my boy & my beautiful little princess